There is a problem sweeping the nation right now. Likely, it is happening to you as well. Chronically Reccurring Adipose Problem (CRAP) is becoming more prevalent everywhere. The illness builds up slowly, and eventually fills the entire body.
People who are full of CRAP:
- Work out half-assed to avoid overtraining.
- Claim to have some sort of fatigue, possibly adrenal.
- Spend more time doing mobility work then actual exercises.
- Drink a dex/malto/dingleberry/protein shake half way through their workout.
- Remind you about cutting edge supplements during a rest period.
-Are always 'cutting'.
Because of all these symptoms, a person who is full of CRAP usually is storing too
much fat, and coincidentally has very little muscle or strength. A phenomenon comes around the middle of May, where someone full of CRAP often trains very hard for a matter of weeks and gets rid of a small amount of fat while gaining a small amount of muscle. Although the cause of this is unknown, the illness was named after this phenomenon.
Now you may be saying "Thats me!" or "How do I fix this??". It's going to take a strong internal drive - this will be the hardest thing you have ever done. People will make fun, no doubt, but the end results will be worth it.
Follow these six steps to cure yourself of CRAP.
Step 1) You may only drink beer from now on. No protein shakes, no milk, and no water. Stay away from American beer, though. Due to the fake estrogen in the water and the birth control pills being put into it, American beer could just make your CRAP much worse.
Step 2) You will ONLY back squat. Thats your whole workout, everyday. Anything else is for the posers. Real men squat, and only squat. Each day you will squat. If you get injured, suck it up princess. If I catch you front squating or, god forbid, doing a chin up, you're done.
Step 3) If someone talks to you during a workout you're only response will be a grunt. Another option is to huff the old chalk that was stuck in your nose at them.
Step 4) You will only wear clothes from concerts you went to more then 10 years ago or ones with a cool saying like "YA, I USE STEROIDS. THANKS FOR ASKING". This will show how mean and badass you are.
Step 5) If someone asks for a spot on another lift you must say "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I CAN SPOT YOU??!" and proceed to shotgun a beer.
Step 6) You must only eat food you killed with your bare hands. No excuse here boys. If you didn't kill it, you go hungry.
Once these six steps are complete you will be a new person and the effects of being full of crap will wear off quickly. You are now on your way to becoming a Stubborn He-man In Training. Or what I like to call it, a piece of shit..
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Monday, June 4, 2007
I used to be..
In the Iron Game, there is a barrage of situations that just, well, piss you off. Squat rack curlers, jumping on a swiss ball, working on biceps 'peak', this list could go on for a long time.
But this one thing I’m about to mention has to stop.
We've all been there, we've all met the guy that use to be better than you. While you're drinking some post workout concoction, they are telling you about how they use to be bigger than you, stronger then you, leaner then you. But they aren't anymore.
Excuses include not having time, hurting themselves, or my personal favorite "getting too big and muscular".
Today they are drinking a gallon of Mountain Dew while smoking a cigarette, but five years ago they where benching double what you are and had to use a Q-tip to clean out the lines between their abs.
To these people, please, shut up.
Nobody cares what you did in the past, it doesn’t matter. Even if you did reach these feats, today, nobody sees you like that. They see the fat guy in the corner eating a Twinkie or maybe the skinny manorexic guy. That’s what everyone sees. That's what you ARE.
Screw the past. Fuck glory days. Be the best for today.
But this one thing I’m about to mention has to stop.
We've all been there, we've all met the guy that use to be better than you. While you're drinking some post workout concoction, they are telling you about how they use to be bigger than you, stronger then you, leaner then you. But they aren't anymore.
Excuses include not having time, hurting themselves, or my personal favorite "getting too big and muscular".
Today they are drinking a gallon of Mountain Dew while smoking a cigarette, but five years ago they where benching double what you are and had to use a Q-tip to clean out the lines between their abs.
To these people, please, shut up.
Nobody cares what you did in the past, it doesn’t matter. Even if you did reach these feats, today, nobody sees you like that. They see the fat guy in the corner eating a Twinkie or maybe the skinny manorexic guy. That’s what everyone sees. That's what you ARE.
Screw the past. Fuck glory days. Be the best for today.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Fat loss programs.
A girl I was talking to today was telling me about how she has been training.
Girl: "I heard good things about NROL (New Rules of Lifting) so I bought it and did the fat loss routines"
Me: "Is that right..?"
All I could think of was YOU’RE STILL FAT.
***note.. NROL is an excellent book***
This kind of person exists everywhere, I call them the perpetually fat. Moving from one “fat loss” program, to another “fat loss” program... Maybe losing a pound or two, but nothing that their weekly binge won’t add right back on.
Most people can lose about 1% of their bodyweight per week without losing any muscle.
Lets say we have two initially eager girls, Shelly and Kacie. Both currently at 160lbs and both want to lose 20lbs.
Shelly goes the route of most, not really counting calories or meal sizes. She gets on a fat-loss program. Each week the scale goes down, but not by much. She completes the 3 month long fat-loss program and has lost 5 lbs. Not too bad. She goes onto phase two of the fat-loss program and loses 4 lbs for a total of 9 lbs in 6 months. Next she goes through phase three where the workouts get really painful. She’s beginning to adapt though, and only loses 3 lbs during this phase. That’s a total of 12 lbs in 9 months.
She’s a little over halfway to her goal, and it took the better part of a year to do.
Kacie puts forth a total commitment. She starts the same fat-loss program, but watches her diet 100%. Sure, 1 in 100 meals may be a cheat meal, but that’s it. Her target goal is to lose 1.5 lbs per week (1% per week). Boom, after the first month she has lost 6 lbs. Feeling confident she continues the next 2 months of the first phase. Since she is losing weight she also drops her intake appropriately. After the 3 month program, she has lost 18lbs.
Kacie ends up at a lean 142lbs after 3 months. Shelly ends up at a flabbier 148lbs after 9 months.
Kacie sees the results and sticks with it. From this point on, she is gaining LBM, getting more in shape and loving her new found fitness. Shelly continues her program hopping looking for that magical key. When Kacie tells Shelly how she did it, Shelly still thinks her diet is perfect and that her difficulties are all to do with “genetics”.
The reason why Shelly doesn't succeed is simple: she could not be fully dedicated for three months. Three months is shit all folks, 0.02% of an average person’s life.
Do things the right way folks, not the easy way. It WILL pay off.
Girl: "I heard good things about NROL (New Rules of Lifting) so I bought it and did the fat loss routines"
Me: "Is that right..?"
All I could think of was YOU’RE STILL FAT.
***note.. NROL is an excellent book***
This kind of person exists everywhere, I call them the perpetually fat. Moving from one “fat loss” program, to another “fat loss” program... Maybe losing a pound or two, but nothing that their weekly binge won’t add right back on.
Most people can lose about 1% of their bodyweight per week without losing any muscle.
Lets say we have two initially eager girls, Shelly and Kacie. Both currently at 160lbs and both want to lose 20lbs.
Shelly goes the route of most, not really counting calories or meal sizes. She gets on a fat-loss program. Each week the scale goes down, but not by much. She completes the 3 month long fat-loss program and has lost 5 lbs. Not too bad. She goes onto phase two of the fat-loss program and loses 4 lbs for a total of 9 lbs in 6 months. Next she goes through phase three where the workouts get really painful. She’s beginning to adapt though, and only loses 3 lbs during this phase. That’s a total of 12 lbs in 9 months.
She’s a little over halfway to her goal, and it took the better part of a year to do.
Kacie puts forth a total commitment. She starts the same fat-loss program, but watches her diet 100%. Sure, 1 in 100 meals may be a cheat meal, but that’s it. Her target goal is to lose 1.5 lbs per week (1% per week). Boom, after the first month she has lost 6 lbs. Feeling confident she continues the next 2 months of the first phase. Since she is losing weight she also drops her intake appropriately. After the 3 month program, she has lost 18lbs.
Kacie ends up at a lean 142lbs after 3 months. Shelly ends up at a flabbier 148lbs after 9 months.
Kacie sees the results and sticks with it. From this point on, she is gaining LBM, getting more in shape and loving her new found fitness. Shelly continues her program hopping looking for that magical key. When Kacie tells Shelly how she did it, Shelly still thinks her diet is perfect and that her difficulties are all to do with “genetics”.
The reason why Shelly doesn't succeed is simple: she could not be fully dedicated for three months. Three months is shit all folks, 0.02% of an average person’s life.
Do things the right way folks, not the easy way. It WILL pay off.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Why you suck at lifting.
If you have been training for 5 years and cant deadlift 2x bodyweight, or you still struggle with unweighted pullups/chinups, or squatting anything heavier then your bodyweight seems impossible....
You suck at lifting.
Now, I wont make fun, I should, but I wont.
I bet if you struggle with a 2x bw deadlift, you also struggle with keeping the fat off, sticking to a meal plan, gaining muscle, and improving. Ive come to the sad conclusion that people don't work as hard as they claim to. Not even close.
Now, you want to get better, I understand. Here is some tips.
1) Insanity.
"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." - Benjamin Franklin
You always do the same thing, you stay at the same rep ranges, you use the same weights everyday, you use the same exercises, you lift at the same time, you lift in the same order, you use the same training split, you use the same training theories for years, and hey guess what, you get the same (no) results!
With a simple change in any of the above mentioned points you can turn things around. If you have always trained in the 5-10 rep range, why not try heavy singles, or sets of 20? What do you got to lose? Nothing. If you always have consumed 3000cals a day, try 3500, see what happens. If you have always done HIT, do some volume training, if you have always done volume training, why not try EDT? You get the point. Change things up, often.
2) Intensity.
Once in a while you need to put near every bit of training advice you have ever heard out the window and just kill it in the gym. Once in a while, you should be on the verge of blacking out or puking. Taking your body to the absolute limits of strength, speed, power or size is not easy, if it was, everyone would have their goals. If you have never blacked out, broken blood vessels, collapsed or puked in a workout, you may not be giving 100% effort.
You see people with their fancy 'workout drinks'.. Thats all fine and good, but please, if you can stomach sipping on that crap in between sets of heavy deadlifts, you aren't going heavy enough.
After some workouts, you should feel dead. Your day shot. If you take your body to the limits, its not going to like it. Your shirt will be drenched with sweat, your face will be red, eyes bloodshot. You should look like you just got out of a battle, not a tanning salon.
3) Concentration.
In the gym you have to focus. Talking about how drunk you where last night should not be what you talk about between sets. In between sets, if you can breath, you can quickly oogle at a pretty girl (who wont find you attractive btw), or you can slip a few words of encouragement to your workout partner.. thats it. I don't care how much that club sucked or how many times you banged that girl, really, I don't, I'm concentrating on lifting.
4) Dedication.
If you skip workouts often, cheat meals often (missing a meal is a cheat too remember), your not dedicated enough for this. Thats fine, not everyone was meant to be a lifter. But if you aren't dedicated don't expect shit all for results, don't complain when you come to the sad realization that you are fat and your pants don't fit, don't tell me working out doesn't work for weight loss. No, YOU don't work for weight loss. Fat people are fine with me, as long as they don't complain about being fat, you did it to yourself, fatty.
Thats all I got. Go out and lift something heavy.
You suck at lifting.
Now, I wont make fun, I should, but I wont.
I bet if you struggle with a 2x bw deadlift, you also struggle with keeping the fat off, sticking to a meal plan, gaining muscle, and improving. Ive come to the sad conclusion that people don't work as hard as they claim to. Not even close.
Now, you want to get better, I understand. Here is some tips.
1) Insanity.
"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." - Benjamin Franklin
You always do the same thing, you stay at the same rep ranges, you use the same weights everyday, you use the same exercises, you lift at the same time, you lift in the same order, you use the same training split, you use the same training theories for years, and hey guess what, you get the same (no) results!
With a simple change in any of the above mentioned points you can turn things around. If you have always trained in the 5-10 rep range, why not try heavy singles, or sets of 20? What do you got to lose? Nothing. If you always have consumed 3000cals a day, try 3500, see what happens. If you have always done HIT, do some volume training, if you have always done volume training, why not try EDT? You get the point. Change things up, often.
2) Intensity.
Once in a while you need to put near every bit of training advice you have ever heard out the window and just kill it in the gym. Once in a while, you should be on the verge of blacking out or puking. Taking your body to the absolute limits of strength, speed, power or size is not easy, if it was, everyone would have their goals. If you have never blacked out, broken blood vessels, collapsed or puked in a workout, you may not be giving 100% effort.
You see people with their fancy 'workout drinks'.. Thats all fine and good, but please, if you can stomach sipping on that crap in between sets of heavy deadlifts, you aren't going heavy enough.
After some workouts, you should feel dead. Your day shot. If you take your body to the limits, its not going to like it. Your shirt will be drenched with sweat, your face will be red, eyes bloodshot. You should look like you just got out of a battle, not a tanning salon.
3) Concentration.
In the gym you have to focus. Talking about how drunk you where last night should not be what you talk about between sets. In between sets, if you can breath, you can quickly oogle at a pretty girl (who wont find you attractive btw), or you can slip a few words of encouragement to your workout partner.. thats it. I don't care how much that club sucked or how many times you banged that girl, really, I don't, I'm concentrating on lifting.
4) Dedication.
If you skip workouts often, cheat meals often (missing a meal is a cheat too remember), your not dedicated enough for this. Thats fine, not everyone was meant to be a lifter. But if you aren't dedicated don't expect shit all for results, don't complain when you come to the sad realization that you are fat and your pants don't fit, don't tell me working out doesn't work for weight loss. No, YOU don't work for weight loss. Fat people are fine with me, as long as they don't complain about being fat, you did it to yourself, fatty.
Thats all I got. Go out and lift something heavy.
Monday, April 2, 2007
The Special K diet.
Someone I know came to me asking my opinion on the 'Special K diet'.
I didn't have a clue what it was. What came next scared me..
"For breakfast and lunch you eat a bowl of special K with a cup of skim milk and have a regular dinner". This is around 200cals per meal. So up until 5-6 or whenever you eat dinner, all you have had to eat is 400cals.
No shit your going to loose weight during something like this. You would also have to be half retarded to try it. Low protein, no fat and a much of processed carbs. Even if you are a nice balanced meal for dinner, lets say, chicken breast, spinach salad with veggies in it covered in olive oil, and maybe some brown rice, you may still be under 1000cals for a day.
More the half of the weight you are going to loose will be muscle. More or less meaning, your going to look the exact same after dropping 5-10lbs on this diet. You will be a smaller version of yourself now.
Workout and eat correctly? Nah to hard. I got a diet for you people.
Breakfast: Lettuce and a cucumber.
Lunch: More lettuce and a diet coke.
Dinner: A dill pickle and some celery.
Pre-bed: 1 peanut (didn't you know about healthy fats??)
Holy crap, my plan has less then 3% of the calories of the Special K diet.. I'm writing a book.
I didn't have a clue what it was. What came next scared me..
"For breakfast and lunch you eat a bowl of special K with a cup of skim milk and have a regular dinner". This is around 200cals per meal. So up until 5-6 or whenever you eat dinner, all you have had to eat is 400cals.
No shit your going to loose weight during something like this. You would also have to be half retarded to try it. Low protein, no fat and a much of processed carbs. Even if you are a nice balanced meal for dinner, lets say, chicken breast, spinach salad with veggies in it covered in olive oil, and maybe some brown rice, you may still be under 1000cals for a day.
More the half of the weight you are going to loose will be muscle. More or less meaning, your going to look the exact same after dropping 5-10lbs on this diet. You will be a smaller version of yourself now.
Workout and eat correctly? Nah to hard. I got a diet for you people.
Breakfast: Lettuce and a cucumber.
Lunch: More lettuce and a diet coke.
Dinner: A dill pickle and some celery.
Pre-bed: 1 peanut (didn't you know about healthy fats??)
Holy crap, my plan has less then 3% of the calories of the Special K diet.. I'm writing a book.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Defending the muffintop.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yUTJQIBI1oA&NR
A confident young overweight women in this video is talking about being fat and the reasons why its ok to be fat.
I have a little issue with this.
With the large link between overweight people and High blood pressure, Strokes, Heart Attacks, Diabetes, High Cholesterol, Angina, Kidney Stones, Erectile Difficulty, Osteoarthritis, and more its clear to most there is a link.
The two highest killers today (CVD and Cancer) are linked to obesity.
Here in Canada, our lovely taxes are paying for you fat ass to goto the hospital because you cant put down the fork and workout.
"Im to busy, diets dont work"
Ive set my alarm at 5am for several months just to hit the gym. Others are there,. Ive had to turn down a delicious donut now and again. Diets are a simple relationship of caloric expenditure. If you cant figure that out, learn how to.
You can tell a smoker right to their face "Those a bad for you, your chance of cancer is much higher for doing that " and you'll get a shrug. Tell fatty over there that double bacon burger is going to increase their risk of cancer, you'll get tears.
"People should like me for who I am inside"
Good theory. But, visions equal of Chris Farley as a Chippendale's dancer bouncing his gut are the first think that appears in most peoples mind after seeing a big fatty. Your working from a negative here pal. If I can overcome the laughing inside, ill give you a chance. If.
Sometimes you may have to give a little to get a lot back. The willpower of some people is downright pathetic. If your ignoring all of these things, your just looking past the inevitable fact that your likely going to shorten your lifespan. Those twinkies better be worth it, fatty.
A confident young overweight women in this video is talking about being fat and the reasons why its ok to be fat.
I have a little issue with this.
With the large link between overweight people and High blood pressure, Strokes, Heart Attacks, Diabetes, High Cholesterol, Angina, Kidney Stones, Erectile Difficulty, Osteoarthritis, and more its clear to most there is a link.
The two highest killers today (CVD and Cancer) are linked to obesity.
Here in Canada, our lovely taxes are paying for you fat ass to goto the hospital because you cant put down the fork and workout.
"Im to busy, diets dont work"
Ive set my alarm at 5am for several months just to hit the gym. Others are there,. Ive had to turn down a delicious donut now and again. Diets are a simple relationship of caloric expenditure. If you cant figure that out, learn how to.
You can tell a smoker right to their face "Those a bad for you, your chance of cancer is much higher for doing that " and you'll get a shrug. Tell fatty over there that double bacon burger is going to increase their risk of cancer, you'll get tears.
"People should like me for who I am inside"
Good theory. But, visions equal of Chris Farley as a Chippendale's dancer bouncing his gut are the first think that appears in most peoples mind after seeing a big fatty. Your working from a negative here pal. If I can overcome the laughing inside, ill give you a chance. If.
Sometimes you may have to give a little to get a lot back. The willpower of some people is downright pathetic. If your ignoring all of these things, your just looking past the inevitable fact that your likely going to shorten your lifespan. Those twinkies better be worth it, fatty.
The greatest personal trainer of all time.
Yesterday I was waiting to use one of the three power racks available at the gym to do a few sets of squats.
In rack 1: We got the curler. Bar with 2 dimes on it and an enthused skinny kid.
In rack 2: There is a reserved sign on the rack, and a swiss ball sitting inside of it with nobody to be seen.
In rack 3: Someone doing deadlifts in the rack.. No big deal, right? It can be when there is an actual deadlift platform less then 5 feet away. Rackpulls are one thing, but these were from the floor.
As I'm reading my training log to see what numbers I have to beat, the curler finishes and I get a rack. I start squatting, working my way up slowly in weight. After I hit a heavy set of five I finish off with a 20-rep widowmaker. I finish the last rep (somehow) and rack the bar, instantly I'm on the floor gasping for air.
Then I witness the unthinkable, that rack with the swiss ball in it, a personal trainer has a 20lbs overweight girl doing BB curls, while kneeling on the ball. I look over, still out of breath, sweat is dripping off of me, my once light shirt is now very dark. The look the personal trainer gives to me is priceless, I need to bring a camera to the gym for moments like this. I smile.
The trainer (also overweight) looks at me up and down.. And says;
"That movement can be very hard on the joints, I could show you some safer ones"
All I could come up with was
"...Not hard on my joints"
I feel sorry for the people duped into paying these people. If I wanted to get advice from overweight people with no clue in regards to real weight lifting, ill go to the frozen foods section in walmart. But to you miss "Ace certified" trainer, go away. What this girl needs is challenging routine and a killer diet. What she doesn't need is what shes getting.. At who knows what price.
In rack 1: We got the curler. Bar with 2 dimes on it and an enthused skinny kid.
In rack 2: There is a reserved sign on the rack, and a swiss ball sitting inside of it with nobody to be seen.
In rack 3: Someone doing deadlifts in the rack.. No big deal, right? It can be when there is an actual deadlift platform less then 5 feet away. Rackpulls are one thing, but these were from the floor.
As I'm reading my training log to see what numbers I have to beat, the curler finishes and I get a rack. I start squatting, working my way up slowly in weight. After I hit a heavy set of five I finish off with a 20-rep widowmaker. I finish the last rep (somehow) and rack the bar, instantly I'm on the floor gasping for air.
Then I witness the unthinkable, that rack with the swiss ball in it, a personal trainer has a 20lbs overweight girl doing BB curls, while kneeling on the ball. I look over, still out of breath, sweat is dripping off of me, my once light shirt is now very dark. The look the personal trainer gives to me is priceless, I need to bring a camera to the gym for moments like this. I smile.
The trainer (also overweight) looks at me up and down.. And says;
"That movement can be very hard on the joints, I could show you some safer ones"
All I could come up with was
"...Not hard on my joints"
I feel sorry for the people duped into paying these people. If I wanted to get advice from overweight people with no clue in regards to real weight lifting, ill go to the frozen foods section in walmart. But to you miss "Ace certified" trainer, go away. What this girl needs is challenging routine and a killer diet. What she doesn't need is what shes getting.. At who knows what price.
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